And over and over again I failed.
At first, I thought my last relationship was really it. For the first time in my life, I admitted to someone else that I'm gay. For the first time in my life, I went out and decided to dive head first to a same-sex relationship. It never was easy. Both of us were not ready to come out. So we always hid ourselves from everyone we knew. Well, except from a very few friends we trust.
I was willing to fight them all. I was willing to promise forever. And I did. The honeymoon stage was pretty awesome. We talk. We listen. We go out. We are generally happy. We even had small fights which serve as a sort of reality check.
Then months passed. I found myself getting annoyed at the expression he frequently wears on his face whenever he disapproves of something. I hated how he seemed to find something wrong in about everything. I thought that when you love someone, you have to work things through. Talk. Talk a lot. And we somehow got through these problems. But who am I kidding? At the back of my mind I know that we never really resolved anything.
Issues piled up. I found myself slowly dreaming of another possible relationship. The picture I've pasted on my knight's face started to peel away. And when I close my eyes, I have the same dream but this time, the faceless actor returned.
Last night, we argued. I was overly passionate about something. I was talking about my dreams. He doesn't seem interested. So I've asked him why? He said that he find my talk boring. That's when I realized that our relationship has to stop. Maybe we went too fast. Maybe we needed to be friends first. That's why I broke up with him.
I may be talking about boring stuff. Maybe that's precisely the problem. I need to find someone who is interested in what I'm passionate about.
And now I'm back in the field. I'm not sure if I'll ever get my dream to come true. But there is still this tiny hope that one day I won't be alone and I'll find him.
